The hours that did not follow

We met at 3 pm or around that time anyway… Little was I to know that at 6 pm I would not be back at the hotel, but having drinks with her at some half-built club in the middle of town.

In the middle of high-rising buildings and next to a lovely green park, I looked at her. That’s when I finally got it. I was in love… maybe love is not a good word… maybe some sort of word with passion in it would have described it better. It was also when I realised she did have someone already… he was not there, but it was as if he was. She wasn’t too clear about him… about their relationship. There was definitely some tension when she talked about him… was it an open door for me? Was it me just wanting it to be an open door? Probably I will never know.

Between the drinks, her friends (and her boyfriend’s friends), I got some time alone with her. I hesitated for a second, but looking into her eyes, I just lost all self-control. “How about dinner? Do you want to have dinner?”. I stopped. Surely I had gone too far. “Yes, I just need to go home first. Is that ok?”

After a couple of comments on dancing, I asked her “Do you want to dance… or do you want to go for dinner?”. “Dinner” – she answered.

There was I, in a cab with her… I tried to avoid looking, but somehow couldn’t. We ended up in this really nice restaurant… I was almost kneeling… how ironic. Her conversation with a child that was next to us was so amazing that for a while I must have lost track of where I was, which country I was in.

“Shall we go to this bar right next door?” The answer was obvious… I will never forget the number that got us in… 57. She laughed… I looked a fool… long story.

The light of candles illuminated her face like I hadn’t seen it before. It gave it a sense of beauty that was surely different. I had lost it totally. I think she noticed, but just continued being herself and that made it worse, so much worse.

On the way out to get a cab, she asked me again if I wanted to go out somewhere and today I’m sure my answer was wrong… later on at my hotel, I looked at the night outside and thought “How dumb can one be?”.

I am not sure things would have been different, but at least I could have tried to hold her. I could have tried to dance with her… a couple more minutes or hours… I wouldn’t have finished the evening by just saying “Tell you boyfriend he is a lucky bastard. And I am very precise about those two words.”

I could have told her other things: that I hadn’t felt like that for a long time; that she was so special that every other decision in my life at that stage would just have to wait for her “say so”.

How do you tell a girl that you love her on the exact same day you have met her? Do you wait for midnight so it’s a new day? Do you hold it off altogether?

Why aren’t things simpler and more direct? Why don’t people just fall in love and understand that they are supposed to spend the rest of their lives together?

I can’t help but laugh. There is something definitely weird about me and the way I relate to the world. The relationships I have had in the last few years seem to happen because I don’t worry too much… when I do seem to worry, things never work out.

Well, therein lies the answer.

Lost, just lost, but I would have told her so many things… maybe this was for the best… maybe this way I still have a chance… maybe I just need to get some distance.

Again, clueless… I should just stop wondering and getting on with… that thing… life?!

Yeah, that sounds about right. Just get on with it.