Interlude by Janet Jackson

"How empty of me to be so full you"

This must be one of the best interludes in music history. I'm not a big fan of Janet's, but the "Velvet Rope" album is truly astonishing.

Today I remembered it just out of the blue. As I said, I really love the album, but this interlude is the first thing that comes to mind every time I think of it.

I can't sleep

I haven't been able to sleep a straight night for months now. I don't really know why.

It's not insomnia, but I keep waking up every two hours or so.

Yesterday, I realized something. I can't bear continuing like this... or better yet, I can bear it, but it's really not fun anymore.

Imagine there's a You.
---
I want you. I want to kiss you desperately like there's no tomorrow... like if there is a tomorrow, it would not be worth living if not side-by-side with you.

Cliché?

Yes, but one that actually makes sense for once. I long to just touch your hand and feel that electricity. The electricity that makes us feel alive... that makes us feel... together.
---
I was once told by a palm-reader that I would marry the woman "I wanted to" and would be “tremendously happy”.

I was not a believer (probably still am not) in palm-reading but some of his other "predictions" proved tragically correct for a friend of mine.

I don't think I've consciously thought about it much, but would not put any money in betting that sub-consciously I haven't done so.

Today, this "belief" is probably gone... not totally, but almost
---
Any takers for a neo-romantic guy who sold himself years ago to the "dark side" of management, strategy and the illusion of fast-tracking in the corporate ladder as a substitute for actual, sustainable "it takes two" happiness?

I do hope... better yet, believe there is one. Is it You?

P.S.: This text was written a couple of days ago.

What should have been the "What a week!" post

First of all, this was supposed to be a romantic post, since I was going to transcribe something I wrote a couple of days ago, but guess what? I will transcribe that one later.

Well, my parents are leaving town tomorrow so I had a drink with them at their hotel. After that I was going home (I swear I was), but I don't know why, I decided to actually stop at a club/bar/disco close to my flat... and what a decision that proved to be.

Of course I forgot it as Halloween and that there was a party tonight and what a party it was. I had tremendous fun - albeit alone - and finally remembered how much I enjoyed dancing.

Well, it was extremely cool and for those friends who were wondering, I'm definitely back!

P.S.: I will not try to explain this photo, but I guess you get the drift anyway.

What a week!

Well, it's almost coming to an end. My parents are around for a visit, which is great, since I haven't seen them in quite some time. On the other hand, the week started with a lot of unanswered questions and doubts about the meaning of it all. Ultimately, it actually "grew" not to be that bad.

Sure, a lot of issues emerged. A lot of unsolved things. It is good to be reminded that one is not perfect (in any way whatsoever) and that life is just dealing with those issues, with the unsolved puzzles, with the need to be better, to feel better, to feel or is it be happier?!

The need to find more and more pieces of our own life or to be found by them. That sounds right, doesn't it?

Lame

Lame, lame, lame.

Lame is when you want to write something edgy and you can only write love stories filled with flowers and violins.

Just came to mind...

... this post from early 2004. Don't really know why, but it came to mind.

Colds are good ... sometimes

Today/Yesterday, I spent most of the day at home with a violent cold. When I tried to wake up in the morning I was really feeling bad, but having then taken some medication, cancelled all my appointments and slept until late... it was actually quite re-invigorating.

On top of that, I'm thinking too much again and having had the time to think today, I actually didn't do anything. Sure, I did reply to some emails in the afternoon with my Blackberry and was on a couple of calls, but ultimately I just had some rest, two very good calls with close friends and that was it. The day is gone and I'm happy. Not "jumping around" happy, but happy.

So, I will go to sleep now, hoping (I think) this cold is gone tomorrow.

Phase 3 or is it 4?

Phase 3 or phase 4?
I don't remember it any more.

Anyway... starting a new one. That's the important thing.

Street / Lounge Poetry-type Texts: Chapter 2 - Hotel Skt. Petri, Copenhagen 2005

- He was told a number of times he would be a great actor. He never really tested it, but he thought he might ... one day. Ability to say x when he would want to say y. Ability (at times) to just control his emotional self. Ability to anticipate. That's what they say about acting anyway.
- He is 28... and so what? He just feels he is still young, but has worked for so long, it is hard not to take himself too seriously. On a personal level, he is able to do what he wants when he wants it, but is looking a bit worried about the family, marrying thing.
- We are a "trendy lemmings society" globally. We are all following someone else... the problem is we don't know who the leaders of the "pack" are... These "trend" leaders probably don't know they are leaders either. What a mess.
- Lounging is his new favourite "thing". It's not really going to bars... it implies a state of relaxation, a state of "I couldn't care ____" and ultimately listening to nice chill-out music.
- Two women, one club... London. One behind the bar, the other one waitressing. One, short hair, almost male-like short hair, looking strong, yet sweet, in control, yet lost (P.S. note: she was definitely lost, but was surely as lost as she was incredible). The other one, long curls, blonde hair, a sweetness I hadn't seen in years, almost like a pure girl... but still, something so intense about her. Two women, one club, London.
- "Those demented lands" are awfully awkward. He would dare say just totally incomprehensible.
- He wonders what his "seduction character" is? Rake would be awkward. "Ideal lover" too... Casanova? He doesn't think so.
- "Should I stay or should I go now?" - well, who knows.
- He had just seen a woman close to perfection. He is not a museum-goer. In effect, he believes resides in the middle of the world, not hidden from it, not behind some grand entrance. He just had dinner at Cafe Victor and thought: "Wow!". She was truly beautiful. Anyway, he just thought it was a moment to cherish. He's strange like that.

Street / Lounge Poetry-type Texts: Chapter 1 - Hotel Omm, Barcelona 2005

- "Potentially stupid or inadequate question (whatever): do you want to go to Antigua in may?" What a stupid text to send. He don't think he's going to get an answer... or a proper one at least... at least to this question.
- This mobile thing is weird... Why do beautiful women use it as a way to introduce themselves into a room with people. Isn't their beauty more than enough?
- What if he was indifferent to it all? Would he feel better? Would he be happier?
- To live up to one's potential is an interesting concept. What does it mean? Is it perceived potential? By whom? Oneself? Others? Anyway, it seems like a reasonable objective after all.
- He has learnt how to face some of his limitations. From introvert to a pseudo-extrovert. He travels alone. Enjoys himself alone. For crying out loud, he even writes about it. What next? "Don Juanism"? Extended extroversion?
- Lounging is perhaps a good sign of how far we have digressed from what should be our path (judgementally said - he might add). Is it pseudo-hedonism? Others would days: it's a step in the right direction... finding the calm and quiet in order to re-charge and proceed with one's life.
- This look like a good ending to chapter 1. "The End" (he always loves to write this)

Street / Lounge Poetry-type Texts: Chapter 0 - Barcelona 2005

- Her email sounded like her voice - soft and reassuring... "everything is going to be ok"... but it isn't.
- These demented lands that remind you of past pain, that rub salt in your wounds... that make you forget the beauty, the simplicity... the hope. These demented lands are for demented people, people that "don't suffer from insanity, but enjoy every minute of it"... Is he one of those? Can he find love again amidst all this confusion and pain? Can he reassure himself that "everything is going to be ok"?
- Barcelona reminds him of his life: hectic, eclectic, paradoxal, intense, dirty, yet after all simple, painfully simple.
- A mistake is only a mistake if it doesn't disappear from your memory, occupying the space you need in order to live your present and future life.
- Once upon a time, there was a man... He thinks there was a woman too, but he's not too sure. The man dreamt a lot and failed to see his real life for a while... afterwards he lived life, but couldn't dream any more. She... well, she hasn't been around that much.
- Loving is such a corrupt word... it indicates something that is on-going, typically beautiful, yet so elusive.
- "Today, I start!" - he kept saying... yet, he never did. What was missing? What made that a bad day to start with? Was it his own fault or of those around him? Maybe it was the weather? Maybe traffic? Maybe the Tube? Who knows? He just failed to start... day, after day, after day.
- On a positive note... he does like himself. He just doesn't say it that often any more, but he does feel it... most of the time.
- Random thoughts are random or predictable given the normal prerogative of an insane man. Are we just normal people with random thoughts or have we actually become insane people with normal thoughts? If the latter is the case, then maybe our life is that of normality ... under changing (and insane) perspectives.
- "Did you like the steak?"
"Sorry?"
"The steak?"
"Oh. It was magnificent."
Why magnificent? Why such a word? Mental note: Re-evaluate use of adjectives that are too powerful like "magnificent" and "powerful"

Shocked to Death

When I was a little kid, my mother always told me not to put my fingers in or close to electric plugs. She also told me that if I did, I would die... a way of making sure that I would not do that.

Well, one day I got a small shock when plugging something and I went running through the flat crying. My mother was obviously worried and picked me up.

"What happened? What happened?"- she said.

"I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

"But what happened?"

"Mom. I got a shock from the plug."

She smiled and I knew it was all going to be ok. Just like that, I knew it.

I guess that's what life is all about: moments of unrest and then in a split of a second... everything is ok. Finally, peace.

Gorecki by Lamb

"If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this moment
Or it might burst

Could we stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Wanna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart most calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas runs run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this
All I've known,
All I've done,
All I've felt,
Was leading to this

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you 'til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

The one I've waited for"

This is one of my favourite songs. Isn't it beautiful?

Yet, it highlights a potential dilemma that my good friend Peter Gorod illustrates perfectly with one of his posts.

Film: Tickets

When three directors of the quality of Olmi, Loach and the "Great" Kiarostami come together to do a project, you know it will be special.

Indeed this film is about a train ride, it's about refugees, it's about love found in a non-ordinary way, it's about morality and a bit about football. Together these don't seem like themes that can go together, but they do.

The screenplay is untouchable. It all flows, it all works. The dialogues are deep, the monologue or hypothetical letter by the old Professor to his new (or maybe very old) love is a gem - a short story that will make cinema history and be remembered for years to come - and then we have the ripples of the social consciousness of Loach, the clear understanding of love and hate of Olmi and the inimitable visual speech of Kiarostami's direction... the documentary-like nature of it all and we all wonder: is this it? Is this what cinema is all about?

I think so. A "real life" primer of what good cinema is all about.

Arrogant? Who? Me?

A couple of years ago, in a particular bonus round at a company I worked for, my expected "grade" was lowered at the meeting itself.

I was obviously mad and wanted to know what happened. After enquiring with a couple of friendlies that were senior enough to be on that meeting, I was told that one of the most senior guys had "black-balled" me. In effect, he exerted a sort of veto on my top "grade".

I was obviously even madder and further enquired, only to find out that he had said the following about me: "He's very arrogant. I know he's extremely good, but still he's very arrogant and that's simply not ok."

At this time, I was boiling, but there was something strange going on. I was very pissed off on the one hand, but I found myself staring at the "virtual mirror" in the vanity of having been called "extremely good" on the other hand. I think I was trying to convince myself that I was actually not arrogant and that I was so good that this guy just wanted to show me who was boss.

I was most probably wrong, but that's not the point.

The point is that my relationship with this person while we were in the same company was always tense, but after we both left, we have actually re-engaged and have a very good rapport. In effect, I would almost dare call him a friend. He has indeed helped me sort out some aspects of my career in a very direct manner and has been very helpful whenever I have reached out to him.

The story is really about circumstances that change people. That's why I'm not such a big believer in the whole "absolute enemy" paradigm where people are enemies full-stop. I think people are led to be enemies by themselves sure, but also by circumstances.

I cherish the good relationship I have with this person today and albeit arrogant (I re-emphasize that I most probably am... and only my remaining grain of humility would allow me not to say that indeed I am arrogant), I was still able to suspend disbelief for a moment and that moment changed the way we related to each other.

The lesson is never take your enemy for granted... he might not be your enemy after all :-)

----- P.S.: This is my 50th post on Nein. I'm very happy! -----

Air-conditioning and other noises

I've just arrived in my hotel room in Germany.

First, I was very happy to be in Europe again. I hadn't come to Europe since end of July and it's good to be "almost home".

Then I went into my hotel room. Mind you this a 4 star hotel, very good by any standards, but the first thing I noticed when I get in is the absence of a noise, a noise that is familiar: the noise of an air-conditioning unit. The room wasn't/isn't too hot, but you know I got used to the noise, so I looked around for the a/c control and nothing... there is none.

A wave of shock and then despair went through my body sore from another long-haul flight... this for like 5 seconds and then I realized the room is actually at a normal temperature, although I prefer it a bit more chilly. I also realized that I got used to the a/c noise in hotels and in my own home. I got used to it. I also got used to noise of cars outside everywhere I go and when I'm in place that does not have noise, I find it funny and need to get used it.

Ultimately, it's all about routines. The good ones, the bad ones, but ultimately routines... things we do and get used to or simply things that happen around us like noises ... and that strangely enough we end-up missing at some point in our lives.

"Strange beings... these humans!"

Series: Hustle

When I think of TV series, I always think of the U.S.. Well, I also think about the U.K. specifically when I think Comedy. Hustle is the exception in an Ocean of American rule. Hustle is also comedic, but it's more than that: think "Ocean's Eleven" and then think TV series, and you get Hustle.

The acting is almost stellar - U.K. standard oblige. The scripts are as tight as they need to be - otherwise, the whole "thematic" approach just loses its grip on spectators. Then it's a really cool series: well filmed, stylish, makes you want to be a "con man"... well, almost.

I had to leave the actress Jaime Murray to last (but definitely not least)... but let me start with Keira Knightley (she is not on the series in case you were wondering). After 1 or 2 years of living in London, I told a good friend that I would leave the city if I saw Keira. Well, life is strange because one or two months later I was going up Marylebone High Street with that same friend who was visiting for a long weekend and there she was: Keira Knightley... going down the street with a couple of girl friends laughing. My friend was shocked and so was I. I mean, I've seen other "celebrities", but this one under these circumstances was quite shocking.

A few days later I saw her again at one of the clubs I was a member of and I thought to myself: "Maybe it's time to leave London after all? Maybe it's a sign of some sort?" After thinking for a while, I thought: "Nah. I love this city". I did not leave for another year, year and a half, and just as I was ready to leave I told another friend that I would not leave London if I was to meet Jaime Murray and she would madly fall in love with me. It seemed something reasonably ridiculous and just something stupid to say to a friend... so that he would get the whole "fait accompli" sense of the move. You can imagine the rest... I did not meet her - of course not, come on... this is the real world, not Hollywood or some TV soap opera! - or even saw her at all. So what is the point of the whole story?

None, really. I just wanted to tell it really... oh and Jaime Murray is gorgeous and has the whole "elan" thing going: the Audrey Hepburn and Gwyneth Paltrow (the good years) type.

Oh and as for Hustle... just watch it, ok? You will love it.

Series: Curb your Enthusiasm

It's the "George Costanza" show or at least what one would perceive as such. Well, it's the "Larry David" show ... Larry David became famous with Seinfeld, since he was co-writer and co-creator with Jerry Seinfeld (although he left after series 7, having come back to write the last episode). We specifically know him well, because "George" is in effect his charicature and "Curb your Enthusiasm" really highlights it.

Curb your Enthusiasm takes it to the limit. Under the pseudo-documentary "look-a-like" genre, it goes the extra mile to make us uncomfortable... but still we laugh. For instance, the scene of the restaurant opening with the Chef with the Tourette syndromme will become legendary with time.

Ultimately, the whole concept of "improvising your way" through the dialogues is reasonably unique and makes it even more uncomfortable... and of course even funnier.

In summary, an extremely good comedy series. Highly recommended... but I sure hope you're not shocked easily.

Geek

geek
n : a person with an unusual or odd personality [syn: eccentric,
eccentric person, oddball]

Come on... it can't be. A geek is more than that. A geek is a state of mind. A geek... am I a geek?

Well, today I changed the language of my printer's menu from Chinese to English using my Mac translation widget to guide my way through the Chinese characters. I also found a way to upload the tunes from my old iPod into my new iTunes client.

Well, I could go on. I guess I just miss being a true geek and the days of relentless programming in C, C++, Java, Prolog, LISP and even Assembly (that was truly bad!), among many other awful and "incomprehensible" languages. I miss my days of hacking (or trying to) into my own Linux Slackware flavour OS, just so I could say "I did it". I miss having someone looking at the screens I created, having code run without anyone actually grasping what truly went into it. Some were mission critical applications and some were not.

Those were the days?

Creation in computer engineering is genuinely fascinating and not just an act of logical acumen like most feel. It can actually be very artistic. Not only the visual "front-end" of it, but also the code... what makes software and hardware tick.

Anyway, I wasn't very good at it, that's why I probably miss it so much. I've gone to the dark side of management quite some years ago and there doesn't seem to be any way back from it. To be perfectly honest, I do enjoy myself in what I do now and am far less miserable than in my "IT days".

Next objectives: getting and configuring a Slingbox and taking my blog mobile. Well, not rocket science, granted, but so what?

The Why

"These Demented Lands" is a book by Alan Warner a good friend gave me some years ago.

In these demented lands

In these demented lands I lose myself all the time.
In these demented lands I keep finding myself over and over again.
In these demented lands I keep thinking too much.

In these demented lands...
I keep wishing I was different.
I keep accepting myself and thanking Him for it.
I think too highly of myself.
I sell myself too short.

In these demented lands...
I am your dream come true.
I am your worst nightmare.
I am demented or is it insane?
I am as normal as it gets.

In these demented lands...
IN THESE demented lands...
I simply am.

What about you?

Another Thoughts text. No special reason... just like it. (and no, no... it's not a "downer" :P )

Hope you like it too.

------------------------------------------------
Laranjeiras, March 4th 1999 (Lisbon, Portugal)

And now?

What should I do?
“Breathe!” – they kept on saying.
I could breathe, but did I want to?
To do that same old thing, over and over, meant being the same old person, or at least I thought so.
And now? What should I do?
“Breathe!”
Why can’t they say something different? Why can’t they say something I’ve never thought of?
I had a look around trying to find something to hang on to.
“Breathe!”
I kept on breathing, just trying to find that one thing. The one thing that would make me want to do it over and over again.
I finally gave up and stopped breathing.
I closed my eyes and waited.
Suddenly, I heard someone scream.
“Love!” – she said.
What did she mean by that?
“What are you talking about?” - I asked her.
“Love!” – she replied.
“But what does that mean?”
“Nothing, just love me” – she answered.
“Breathe!” – I kept on saying to myself.

MUSIC I WOULD BE (AM) LISTENING TO: “The trick is to keep breathing”, Garbage
FILM I WOULD BE (AM) WATCHING: “The taste of cherry”

The Datai and other things

Well, just came back from vacation. Stayed at the Datai for a few days and really enjoyed it. Mind you, I'm still an Aman fan - although apparently Mr. Zecha has a stake in the Datai (?) - it was a very good experience despite the miserable weather throughout most of the week.

A hotel set in the middle of the jungle in Langkawi where there are literally monkeys around - well behaved though, unlike their camera-and-glasses-stealing brothers and sisters from Bali - and also some gekkos (not a big fan) in probably my "i'm such a pussy" moment of the vacation... hell, of the year.

Apart from that, the Executive Assistant Manager, Regina was great in solving some minor initial issues and showed that through professionalism you can overcome really everything.

The pools are great, nice beach, nice staff... I would say that the hotel doesn't look old or tired per se, but is not cutting edge contemporary if that's what you are looking for. Versus the Four Seasons, difficult to tell... some friends have stayed at the Four Seasons in Langkawi and say it's one notch better than the now much older Datai. Others - such as the ones filling the survey for Conde Naste Traveller which put it at number 2 in Asia and the Indian sub-continent just this year and in 2005 and in... - seem to disagree. I am not totally sure, but get the sense that the Datai is "more different" due to the jungle setting. The Four Seasons really seems to be a beach resort like many other... luxurious for sure... but not that distinctive.

Anyway, rambling and rambling... if you want to have a bit more fun and excitment on any given night go to the Andaman (the sister hotel of the Datai) which is right next "door" and listen to the great "Nine Lives" band. After being mesmerized by Joy - the lead vocalist - make sure you behave and focus on your wife or girlfriend as she may be... next to you. Then listen to them. Daniel on the keyboards rocks and the other two guys are very good as well. Lovely people and I do hope they get lucky and some A&R guy does decide to cut them a deal.