Beautiful eyes?

I've let myself gain substantial weight over the years. In my stay in Paris and then back home several years I picked up 20 kilos and "never looked back". I can't really say I have ever done a proper diet because mostly (I thought) I never wanted to.

The last 3 years didn't help: various girlfriends, all very beautiful and for some time I have tried not to think too much about my weight (and health ... granted), except when reminded by good friends and family that it "was not good for me".

Recently and after a couple o months in Asia, I have noticed that several girls have told me I have beautiful eyes. Not sure why they did or if I do have beautiful eyes, but nobody had ever told me that. That led me to think about the way I "appear" to others... my body, in essence.

I have not made another bold decision followed by no implementation whatsoever, because I realized the problem is a bit more profound. It's as if I do not allow myself to look better... maybe even with a senseless masochistic logic, deep down.

So I ponder: how do I want to look like? What is really my goal on my physical appearance? How do I want it to set my relationships with people around me?

People might find this ridiculous but I do not. Go figure.

P.S.: The next post is the 100th. Will be posting something in the next few days.